Waiting

Despite having to endure a few days wait for path results of a biopsy, I am looking at the good things in my life. Still keeping my gratitude journal with the women who follow Ann Voskamp’s blog (she’s the author of One Thousand Gifts).  I’m now in the seventies:

65. The beauty of the birds that visit our feeder, especially in winter without leaves. Red cardinals, bright bluebirds

66. The pristine, stunning eastern morning sunlight through the work room windows

67. That Matthew actually wants to go to a high school FCA retreat though he barely know anyone going

68. Warm sheets after Wesley gets out of his bed this morning

69. A little naked dude curled up on my bed

70. Discovering Wesley’s Big Nate book stashed under the table for sneak reading

71. Hugs from a sweet student needing love; round shaved head

72. The French doors are finally fixed! Shiny new brass lock

73. Beautiful wood and shape of the new breakfast room table

74. That neither I nor any of the children have a serious mental illness

75. The glossy sheen of Wesley’s blond hair in the sunlight

I’m still compressing my wound from the procedure. It is akin to liposuction of the breast! And being a redhead (this was new information for me), the doc says I’m apparently prone to bleeding more. So I spent over an hour compressing myself to help stop the oozing from the wound. Have another hour to go.

I look forward to walking again after the 24 hour waiting period. A person needs to move to work out tension. For now – peace, lighter burden (Matthew 11:28 – 30), being present.

Linking with Ann at A Holy Experience 

Taking a Dare

I took a new dare this year that has the potential to change my mindset. I only know this from seeing many people do the same thing and having found they felt better.

This New Year, I didn’t make resolutions knowing I wouldn’t be disciplined enough to keep them. However, I’m chewing on some ideas, turning them around in my head. They’re safe there, untested. Trying to implement them in practical reality has often proved to be a challenge requiring a commitment to discipline that I don’t possess. I used to try to make my resolutions “official”, almost ceremonious - as if that would make them more legitimate and increase the odds for success. Doesn’t work.

I’ve been reading Ann Voskamp’s bestselling book One Thousand Gifts – a semi-autobiography, poetically written, about finding joy in the mundane, learning the art of gratitude. She was dared by a friend to write down 1,000 blessings, gifts, or anything she appreciated in life no matter how small -- the ultimate goal being to change the perspective from one of ingratitude and other negative states of mind (i.e. resentment, apathy, discontent, anxiety, anger, etc.) to that of thankfulness and appreciation for the life before us. On a greater scale, she came to believe it could actually heal some deep wounds in her life. She chose the cool Greek word Eucharisteo – thanksgiving.  How many of us go through the motions of our days, sometimes lifelessly, gradually losing our capacity to feel?

Since the book’s publishing, she’s dared readers of her blog to do the same. So I’m taking the dare…with some trepidation. It’s hard to imagine finding 1,000 things to appreciate. Then again, I’m the queen of lists; I can do this. Looking at some of the things on Ann’s list, they’re pretty darn mundane – but if they bring her joy and alter her mindset, maybe they can do the same for me? I’d sure be a nicer person if that were to happen.

Another concept the author discusses at length is being present – being “all there”. This is amusingly so Zen Buddhist. We in the West of Judeo-Christian persuasion can really learn from Eastern practices. We’re so not geared for being mindful and living in the present. Instead, we languish about the past and plan, worry and try to rent time in the future. I’m the guiltiest of that habit. Do we actually gain time or fix anything doing that?

So far, I’ve been list-keeping for about a week while also reading the book, and I’m encountering a surprisingly more positive mentality. I am so not the “happy” type. I’m a Type A, semi-obsessive, control-oriented, sometimes anxious, easily irritated introvert. Okay, that’s the worst of me. I’ve been writing about 3-4 blessings per day and I think I can even improve on that. The reminder to continue to shift my thinking is helping me see the glass half-full rather than my usual half-empty. Will it really net positive dividends??

Here are a few on my list:

13. When Wesley (my eight-year old) leans up against me, all warm

14. Looking at Wesley’s soft facial features – eyelashes, peach skin, sea blue eyes, glossy golden hair

15. Lying on my large, full-back, massage-grade heating pad at night

16. Pouring my cup of coffee with cream first thing in the morning

17. Breaking off a hunk of 70% cacao dark chocolate and mixing it with salted almonds, savoring flavors

Okay, those are pretty boring but they make me happy. Somehow making my arm and hand move to name it on paper and then reading them is slowly -- just a little bit – lifting my burdens.

Linking up with Ann at http://www.aholyexperience.com/



Gratitude List

Expressing gratitude has the power lift us out of anger, fear, anxiety, self pity and a host of other maladies. 

Yes, it’s that time of year – the proverbial retelling of our American story. Some families do the round-the-table recitations. Many of us show our gratitude by stuffing our faces with food and then zoning out in a carb coma in front of football. From turkey skin to pig skin. Julia Louis-Dreyfuss, in a “Saturday Night Live” skit called it a “Baroque festival of overconsumption”. The great American tradition.

I’m trying to go deeper. Each Thanksgiving week, I read the story to at least one of the children and to myself and talk about how it really was for the Pilgrims. I never tire of rereading the accounts, and never cease to be amazed and overwhelmed at how raw and arduous life was on a daily basis. I wonder how many of them silently wondered, never to speak aloud: “Was it worth this?” as they shivered in the cold, got sick on the wobbly ship before the houses were built, or watched another member die of sickness that first winter:

When I see suffering or experience it myself, either presently or learn of it in the past, I am starting to make gratitude lists to remind me of the goodness that still exists to keep me from sinking into melancholy that takes too long to emerge from. When I write them out to share in a blog, they sound so trite. They’re different each time and don’t all encompass everything I’m grateful for.

But here’s my humble, short list, for today:

1. For the wondrous changing of leaves in autumn. To me, it means relief.
2. For music that can stir a heart that has stiffened in trying to protect itself from pain.
3. For weather cold enough to make me need socks and sweaters.
4. For the familiar warmth of a fire in the fireplace.
5. For a society free enough to express praise, criticism, new ideas.
6. For the way caring people send food – always food, our sustenance – to those who are suffering.
7. For the simple lessons of Charlie Brown.
8. For the unconditional love of dogs.
9. For “The Splendid Table” on NPR radio on Saturday mornings.
10. For my three children, who remind me of what it’s like to be a child: the joys, the wounds, the freshness of living.
11. For tufts of hair sticking out from under the ruffled covers.
12. Yes, for mismatched socks lying around on the floor. There was a time when I would have paid big money just to have little bodies in the house to cause extra laundry.
13. For servicemen and women who put their lives on the line daily to keep us free.
14. For “Saturday Night Live” which makes fun of everything.
15. That God can be found in the midst of chaos.

What does your gratitude list look like?